Posted in Neither Here nor There

A New Start for a New Year

Happy 2018, everybody! From breaking bad habits, to starting good ones, from making new goals, to recommitting to goals that you have let yourself lapse on, a new year means a chance for change, and I intend to take full advantage of the opportunity. There is a lot of fat in my life (literally and figuratively) that I am cutting out, and a lot of good that I intend to bring in. The road is sure to be bumpy, but I am excited to take the wheel and get started!

Before I go into the changes I intend to make, I’d like to recognize my husband for successfully completing a goal that he made last January first, which is (drum roll please) he went for an entire year without eating red meat! Congratulations! It wasn’t always easy, but he took it all in stride and came out the other side feeling accomplished and stronger willed than ever before. I am so proud of you, love!

In the past I’ve made it a rule that I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, primarily because it is super depressing when I fall short, and I mostly lack the confidence to believe I can make it happen. However, bolstered by my husband’s success, I’ve decided to give it another go, starting with resuming my blog here. I know I’ve been away for more than two months (more on that in another post, I promise,) but it’s time I come back, and recommit to keeping up this blog. From here on I solemnly swear that I will write at least once a week, and post it here.

In that same vein, I am making a promise to myself that every day I will do something creative. If that means scribbling nonsense on my iPad, that’s what I’ll do. If I’m feeling particularly uninspired and All I can muster is taking high resolution pictures of the inside of my shoe, I’ll do that, but everyday I will do something that stretches my imagination, and hopefully makes me happy.

I’m also joining my husband in one of his goals, no fast food for the year. We cheated a little so that he could have a hamburger at midnight, but that’s it. We are not going to eat anything that you can get through a drive through window for a whole year.

I will also be quitting my job and looking for something that actually makes me happy. I’ll go into the reasons I’ve been unhappy at my job in another post, but for now I’ll just say that it wasn’t the company that I worked for, it wasn’t the people I worked with, and it wasn’t even the job itself. The reason I’m leaving is all me, and although it’s taken me some time to come to this conclusion, I am certain that it is the right one for me, and I will not be looking for another job in the field of telecommunication.

Finally I am committing to take better care of myself. From exercise to hygiene, I plan to always be at the top of my game. To succeed at this I have created/borrowed two mantras: I am worth taking care of, and less time now means more time later. Let’s face it, if I am worthless to myself, how can anyone else find me worthy, and if I don’t take the time to take care of myself I’ll burn out, and I won’t be able to do the things that I love.

My husband has dubbed this year “Project Happy,” so by the end of the year, if all goes well, we will be!

Posted in Neither Here nor There

Another Week

Well, I tried to get this out on time, I really did. Of course by tried, I mean procrastinated until the very last moment. As such, I don’t have a lot of time to write this, but I don’t really have any earth shattering news to relay.

I do want to up date you all on the job. It is going as smoothly as can be expected. I’ll be in training for at least two more weeks before I’ll actually start taking phone calls, so nothing terribly stress full there for the time being. The Seroquel seems to be doing its job. Not only am I sleeping more than twelve hours a night (if I let myself), but I am also much less suicidal. I’m not positive, but I don’t think I even thought once about killing myself this last week.

Otherwise, there’s nothing new to report. Oh, I did turn 33 on the twentieth, so my OCD is very pleased, lol. Anyway, thanks for reading, and hopefully I’ll post more during the week!

Just so you know…

I may not post for a few days. I'm dealing with some stuff right now that's making it hard for me to post anything. I will try, of course, but I wrote four different posts today, but I couldn't finish any of them. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy your weekend!

Posted in Neither Here nor There

Liebster Awards

Recently, AnxiousWriter, from the blog Warrior, not Worrier, nominated me for the Liebster Award. I'm really touched that you thought of me. Thank you!

So what is a Liebster Award? Well it's a way for new bloggers to help promote each other, and gain more followers. You accept by answering the eleven questions that your nominator asked you, and then you select eleven nominees and ask them eleven questions. Of course you want to be sure to thank the person who nominated you, and link back to their blog, and also notify your nominees, and include links to their blogs as well. I love this idea, it's so friendly and fun!

Well, without further ado, here are the questions that AnxiousWriter had for me:

What's your favorite book/movie and why?

I'll answer both. My favorite book, if I have to choose just one, is probably Magic Kingdom For Sale, Sold! by Terry Brooks. The reason I'd choose that one is because in it the main character is struggling with an enormous amount of depression in the wake of the death of a loved one, and beneath the fantasy, it's really a story about accepting that loss and moving on. My favorite movie has to be Inception, because the premise of being able to not only enter another person's dreams, but also steal their secrets is so crazy cool and creepy at the same time. The effects in that movie are just so wonderfully incredible, as well, making it both psychologically and visually stimulating. I highly recommend it.

Why do you blog?

This is a difficult question to answer, as there are many superficial reasons, such as validation, attention, and showcasing my writing, art, and photography skills. I think if we get down to brass tacks here though, I write this blog to try and do my part to make the world a better more understanding place. If I can write down how I'm feeling inside in a way that is clear and understandable, show you all the dark thoughts that travel through my mind, analyze the things I do and feel, and provide research materials on the many topics I cover, maybe we will all be able to better understand the people in our lives who have had similar experiences, or who have the same conditions I do. Maybe psychologists and psychiatrists can read my blog and gain insight into the way we treat these disorders and develop better strategies to deal with them. That's my hope.

What's your favorite memory?

My favorite memory… hmm… I have a lot of good memories, but possibly my favorite is lying on my back in my tree house, watching the clouds roll by through the branches. Nothing of significance happened, I wasn't reading a good book, or listening to music. I wasn't singing or writing or drawing. I was just laying there existing, completely at peace with the world.

What are your hobbies?

I have a lot of hobbies. In addition to writing, art, photography, and music, I also crochet, scrap book, do the tiniest amount of wood working, and I make jewelry. I also love math, which I know is weird, but what can I say, other than I'm a strange and unique person.

What's the goofiest/craziest thing you've ever done with a friend?

I've done a ton of crazy things with my friends over the years, from skinny dipping in a hot tub, to a mobile game of truth or dare that got us in trouble with the cops, and our parents. I've done a lot of goofy, fun things to, like the time my husband and I spent the day at the movie theater, going directly from one movie to the next. I think we watched four or five in a row, and it was a magical day. I think the goofiest thing I've ever done with a friend, however, has to be in first grade when my friend and I climbed the pine tree in her front yard and shouted all the curse words we knew at the passing cars. It was silly, stupid fun, and it holds a special place in my heart.

What's your favorite thing about yourself? Least favorite?

My favorite thing about myself is my creativity. I'm always making something, whether it's a picture, or a song, or even just a crochet hot pad. My least favorite? My negativity. It's always dragging me down and making me doubt my abilities. No matter what positive things people say about me, I am always telling myself they are wrong and I'm a talentless hack.

Are you an introvert or extrovert?

I'd like to say that I am an extrovert with introversive tendencies. I love to talk, and I have no problem sharing my life story with strangers, as long as they make the first move. My social anxiety makes it hard to do extroverted things, and it makes me seem very introverted, but I think once I get through it I'll be the extroverted, flamboyant, bouncy person I know I am on the inside.

What do you regret in life?

I try really hard to live without regret, but I still have my fair share. Mostly I regret not taking advantage of more of the opportunities I've had to socialize with my friends and family. I also really regret quitting my past jobs without notice. That's not the polite thing to do, and it's really unfair, not just to the managers of those places, but to the other employees as well. I really regret not working harder to be more reliable, and responsible, when leaving those jobs.

What accomplishment of yours are you the most proud of?

I would have to say that this blog is my biggest accomplishment. I'm so proud of the fact that I've been able to keep it up, posting (almost) every day for over a month now, even if the only things I have to say are negative or gloomy. It has also in turn, prompted me to accomplish other things. I have finished more of my artwork since I started blogging than I have the whole rest of my life, and I've actually started writing the music down to the songs I come up with, instead of just the lyrics, not to mention the improvements that I've made in my mental health. Recent suicidal behavior aside, I've been doing a lot better recently and I have this blog, and all of you, my wonderful readers, to thank for it.

What's your goal in life?

I have many goals in life, but the biggest and most important to me is to be a published author. I really want to see my name on the bestseller list, and when I'm not being so down on myself, I really think I can make it some day.

Do you have a message you want to tell the world? If yes, what is it?

Yes, I do. If I could tell you just one thing and have it stick with you through your darkest hour and on your brightest day it would be this: Accept yourself for who you are, warts and all. Fix what problems you can fix, of course, but learn to love yourself for who you are. Don't judge each other, because you can never know what trials they came through to become who they are, but above all don't judge yourself. The world needs you to be you. The people you love need you to love yourself. Don't let your setbacks destroy you, use them to become a better, stronger, more accepting and loving person, and the rewards will be beyond your wildest dreams.

Now, on to my nominees! You all have amazing blogs, and you have each touched my life in profound ways. Thank you all for the advice and experiences you've shared on your blogs, and for the encouraging comments you've left on mine. I hope this nomination can repay the kindness you've shown to me, in some small way.

Lavender and Levity

…and a Denim Jacket

A Bipolar Life

Migraines From Hell

Unconventional Norms

Jacob Writes On

Lakmi's Blog

Randa Roo Rants

Working Title

Anne's Bread Blog

Eye of the Pendragon

My questions for you fantastic people are as follows:

  1. What is your go to activity to relieve stress?
  2. What color best describes your personality and why?
  3. What is you favorite song/band?
  4. What is your least favorite food?
  5. If you could be any animal in the world (including those that are already extinct) what would you choose to be?
  6. If you had three wishes, what would they be?
  7. What is your worst fear?
  8. What is your happiest memory?
  9. What do you love most about yourself?
  10. What is your favorite thing about blogging?
  11. If you had the undivided attention of the entire world what would you say?

As for the rest of you readers and followers, I'd nominate you all if I could. You guys have all been so great. You've really made me feel at home here. Thank you for reading, liking and commenting. I love you guys, you are all wonderful!

Posted in Neither Here nor There

First they came for…

Lavender and Levity

Leaving aside everything else that is wrong and immoral about this proposed ban, at the moment there are something like 11,000 trans people currently serving openly in the US services and reserves. They are there legally, and it is currently their right to serve openly. Trump’s ban, at first glance, appears to take awaytheir…

via A Note on Trump’s Proposed Ban of Transgender in the Military — Whatever

I have no words for a country that wants to take rights away from people, instead of arcing towards justice.

I could say something about how a big part of why I have PTSD can be traced right back to the belief that some people are less ‘people’ than others. I couldcitemore sources about where that dangerous lie leads in the end. I could just insert a middle finger emoji. However, I am not a professional writer. So, instead I’ll…

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Posted in Neither Here nor There

I Am Also A We + Politics

Jacob Writes On

In my last post, I discovered my use of scientific-profiled formatting when writing something as simple as a blog post. My promise is to fill this blog post in no such a format and replace it with a more personal touch. What will flow is a telescope into my personal shame for the current state of the United States of America: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.

But are we free? Are we brave…enough?

When I turn on the news every day, feelings of rage, shame, discontent, and a certain fear creep further into my skin. In recent days, it’s as though it is seeping slowly, intravenously, every drop reaching the surface of my bones. And I feel this kind of fear and shame equally because it is a stark contrast to my past and present alike. It’s a contrast that on one side is felt by less…

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Posted in Neither Here nor There

Politics and LGBTQ+

There are very few things that I refuse to discuss openly here on my blog. Really there are only two: Politics and Religion. I mostly feel that my personal political and religious views would serve only to distract from the larger focus of this site, which is to promote acceptance and understanding of everyone, regardless of our differences. I want everyone, regardless of their religion or their political stance to feel safe here, and I want to keep judgement as far away from here as possible. If an ax murderer stumbles on to my site I want him/her to feel just as welcomed, loved, and accepted as a cute, cuddly, kitten, as long as he/she is equally respectful and accepting while he/she is here.

However, every day the struggle to keep my political views in check becomes more and more difficult. I love my country. I love what it stands for, or at least I was starting to. I truly believe in freedom and justice for all, and I live in hope that one day the laws of this land can reflect the image that our forefathers painted where everyone is accepted and welcomed in with open arms. I want to be able to say with complete confidence that I am proud to be an American…

But I'm not. Today I am ashamed. Today I look at the leader of my country and hang my head in sorrow, because I know that I am at fault for him being elected and allowed to run amuck. I didn't vote for him, but I didn't vote at all. I screamed as loud as anyone else at the stupidity of anyone who would want to have this red faced loser run the country, but I didn't stop to listen to what those people had to say. I didn't donate money to anyone's campaign, or go to any political events. No one I knew was openly supporting Trump, so I thought we were safe.

I was wrong. I remember on election night refreshing my screen over and over, praying that it was just stuck, and that Clinton would get just those few more votes that it would take for her to win. I didn't want her in charge, either, mind you, but literally anything would be better than this pompous jack ass. Then I hoped and prayed that the electoral college would chose their better judgement, and steer clear of him, but to no avail.

My heart broke for my openly gay friend who had only just gotten married, and my Muslim friend who lives in Japan, but whose family lives here. "What is going to happen to them now that this bigot is in power?" I wondered. "What's going to happen to me?" I couldn't believe that this country that values equality above all else could elect someone who so clearly does not.

Still, I decided to stay silent because, as I said I want everyone to feel safe here. Even Trump. I thought that maybe congress would temper his hate, and that maybe it would be possible for him to do some good. Time after time I am disappointed in this wish. As I read the news, I am filled with despair. He seems to not only be getting away with doing what ever he wants, but it almost seems as if no one can do or say anything to even slow him down.

The latest news in this backward slide towards the dark ages is that he's trying to take away the right of transgender people to serve in the military. He claims, and some of his supporters agree, that trans rights are an un necessary distraction, and that their reassignment surgeries would cost the government too much money. I don't understand this. Is the red blood they spill for this country any less worthy than that of someone who identifies as the gender that they were born with? Is their love for their country any less pure because they need surgery to be able to be who they really are?

I am not someone who could ever picture herself joining the military, but I have known at one point or another someone from each branch of the military, and not one of these hard working, patriotic people has ever had anything negative to say about serving with a trans person, or anyone else from the LGBTQ+ community for that matter. So why would it then be a distraction.

I am not trans. However, I do know what it's like to be different, and I can't stay silent and watch from the sidelines while an already marginalized group is further discriminated against. Especially now, when they have only just begun to adjust to having this right, only to have it ripped away again. It is not right, and no one should be okay with this.