Today, for the first time in three days, I woke up and didn’t immediately feel like I wanted to die. Finally it seems that the suicidal part of my depressed cycle is over, hopefully. I haven’t been that far down in the dark places of my mind in a long time. I think it must be because I am making so much progress these days that the risk of failure seems more real and devastating. It’s easy for me to lie in my bed and be passively suicidal when I’ve got nothing going for me, but I rarely get so depressed that I actually hurt myself.
Today as I sit herewriting my blog post I am thinking about all the things I accomplished over the last month, and I realize that I have more to loose than ever. I’ve gotten farther in writing a book than I have since high school. I have this blog, and all of you, my readers. I have been going out in public more, and doing more self-care than I have in a long time. I’ve been learning to cut myself some slack when I fall short of my ridiculously high expectations. My relationship with my husband is stronger than ever, because we are communicating better than ever.
My life is not so bad. In fact, I’d have to say that objectively I have it pretty good. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and people who love me. Today it’s so hard to understand why I googled how to drown myself in the bathtub, and what’s the least painful way to commit suicide just yesterday morning, before my husband woke up and made me watch movies with him all day. Today the darkness has receded, and it is only a dim memory.
I don’t know how or why it got so bad, so fast this time. Obviously this is something I will need to research, so I can hopefully prevent it from happening again. I also clearly need to look up ways to cope better with suicidal thoughts, because I should have used the resources available to me, but didn’t because I thought they would laugh at me and tell me I was faking it for attention. I wonder if It would be okay to call the suicide hotline when I’m not suicidal, so maybe it won’t be so scary when I am? Being an unmedicated bipolar person, I can’t afford the luxury of believing that this is an isolated incident. It will probably happen again, and when it does I need to be ready.
Thank you all for being there for me as I went through this. I’m sorry if I caused any of you pain. If you have been through something similar and would like to share your experience with me, you are welcome to leave a comment, or contact me directly. Also if you have any advice for me, I’d love to hear that too. Thank you again.