What a fitting metaphor for hiding a secret. I’ve spent so much of my life in a closet of one kind or another, sometimes literally as I hid from my parents while they fought. I’ve hidden so many secrets in the closet of my mind over the years, it’s going to take a while to sort them all out. I hope you can all bear with me as I work through this jumbled mess of emotions, and dishonesty.
So, today’s post was supposed to be about the top ten bands that speak to me, and their songs that most represent who I am, but I couldn’t even make it through song number one. You see, the song that speaks the loudest to me is Imagine Dragons “Demons.” On the surface this song seems to be about wanting to protect the innocence of someone you love, but being afraid that you are every bit as dangerous to that person as the rest of the world is. For me it goes so much deeper than that.
The meaning is twofold for me. The first of these, is of course my past. I told you all yesterday that my world was a very dark place, growing up. As the oldest of six, I felt it was my responsibility to protect my younger siblings from all of that darkness. The lines “I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you,” perfectly describe the way I felt towards them, made even more perfect by the following lines, “But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide.” You see, sometimes when I was hurting I followed in my parents footsteps and used physical violence and manipulation to hurt and control my siblings. I hated myself for it, and I often felt like I was a monster, or that there was a “beast” inside of me that was beyond my control.
The chorus, too, is about this feeling of being evil on the inside, “When you feel my heat, Look into my eyes, It’s where my demon’s hide, It’s where my demon’s hide, Don’t get too close, It’s dark inside, It’s where my demon’s hide, It’s where my demon’s hide.” I’ve learned to control my dark side now, and it’s not dangerous anymore, so that part of the song doesn’t realy apply to me anymore, but the way it reminds me of where I came from is still poignant, and a good reminder to be vigilant, lest I slip into old habits.
In the last verse it talks about hiding the truth, and sheltering your loved one from a harsh reality, but in the end, even though all the lying was to protect this person, eventually you can’t hide it any longer. As I read the line, “Don’t want to let you down, but I am hell bound, though this is all for you, don’t want to hide the truth,” over and over in my head I think, “Yes this is exactly how I feel right now.” I have another secret that I haven’t yet shared with you guys, and this is one that my mom and dad don’t know. I’ve lied to them, and tried to protect them from it, making excuses like, “It doesn’t matter now,” or, “They don’t need to know.”
The truth is, I don’t want to lie about it. I want to tell the world. I want to feel happy, and good, and be free to be who I am. I want to talk about it. I want to share my experiences with everyone. If I was a better, braver person, Mom and Dad, I would have told you in person. Please forgive me for doing this online. I know you both recently told me that you love me no matter what, but I’m not sure that this is was even on your radar. I know you probably think I’m going to hell, but hell is where I’ve been, and I’m trying desperately to pull myself out. A huge part of that is not keeping anymore secrets.
I am bisexual. Yes, I’m married to a man, but I find women attractive as well. Yes, I’ve kissed a girl, and I liked it. I’ve kissed a lot of guys, too, and found it equally satisfying. I am attracted to both genders, maybe a touch more to women then men, but only a touch. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love my husband, or that I would ever cheat on him. If anything I love him more, because he accepts who I am completely, and he loves that part of me just as much as he loves all the rest.
The last line of the song I want to talk about is, “They say it’s what you make, I say it’s up to fate, It’s woven in my soul, I need to let you go.” I know this line is probably about feeling powerless to control the darkness inside of yourself, and letting him or her go to protect them from you, but for me it’s about the great debate over whether LGBTQ+ is a choice or a birthright. I was born this way. When I became sexually aware, I was aware of both genders. I have always found women attractive, and I have always felt the same about men. It’s not about making up my mind to be one way or the other. It really is “woven in my soul.” If some of you out there can’t accept that, I will just have to learn to be okay with it, and “let you go,” if that is what you want.