Several hours ago I wrote that I was terrified to share a post that I had written. I’m sure by now many of you are wondering what that post might be, and why it frightened me so badly. This is that post:
So I’ve been writing this blog for three weeks now. I don’t always have time to write something, but I always have something to say. Until today. Today everything I write feels wrong, or what I’m feeling won’t come out. I don’t have the words to describe how frustrating this is, but I’m going to try.
There are so many things that I want this blog to be. I want it to be a safe place where I can express myself, exposing my feelings, experiences, and knowledge to the virtual air, putting them all on parade for the entertainment, and hopefully benefit of all mankind. I want this blog to make you laugh, and cry with me as I work to make myself a better person. I want this blog to heighten awareness and increase understanding of the conditions that I struggle with. I want to talk about issues that are important to me on a personal level. I want to use this blog to make my mark on the world, and know that somewhere someone’s life is better because I spoke up.
I feel like I am accomplishing this. Mostly. There are a couple of issues that I haven’t directly talked about yet. I love that I decided not to make this an anonymous blog, but I also hate it. How do I talk about things that I’ve kept private for so many years on a blog where all of my family and friends can read it? How do I talk about the things that have happened in my past without it creating some kind of fallout for the people who were involved? I try not to put names in my blog, since I figure that if you don’t know who they are then you don’t need to know, but what about those of you who do know? If I write that my brother is so excited that he’s finally having a son, those of you who are my friends on Facebook know who he is, and maybe when you see him you’ll congratulate him, or tease him a little for having been worried he’d only have girls. That’s fine, it’s a happy situation, and he wants to share it with the world. However, what would you do if I blogged about something bad that happened to me and you figured out who it was that did the awful thing? What if I talked about a situation where multiple people were involved as victims of a crime, and again you figured out who they were? What if I share something about myself that you didn’t know, and it changes the way you look at me?
I’m so afraid of the repercussions that it is keeping me from writing some of the things that I truly feel I need to write about. I’m terrified that by writing about certain things I could cause pain, instead of relieving it. Above all else, I want this blog to be a safe place, and it has been. Will that all go away if I speak out about my past? If I share certain things about myself, will some of you decide that I am no longer worth knowing, de-friending me on Facebook and steering clear of me in the real world? It’s one thing to read about something that happened to someone you don’t know, and will probably never meet, but it is a whole other thing to read about something that happened to someone you know. It makes it all feel so much more real, and it’s harder to be objective.
I don’t want to loose friends, or estrange my family, but I cannot keep quiet. I was raised to do what I believe is right, no matter what the consequences are, and this feels right. I am so afraid, but I will not let that fear control me. Un-friend me if you must. Stop talking to me if you have to. I cannot stay silent.
After I wrote this, I went for a walk around the block and then took a shower. I felt resolute in my decision to go forward with what I had written, but I was still terrified of the consequences. I turned, as I always do, to my parents and siblings for guidance and support. Without fail, they all gave me their blessing to write about what happened in my childhood, even though it might bring up painful memories, or affect them in unforeseen ways. I am so lucky to have them in my life. Thanks, you guys, for being so supportive. You are wonderful people, and I love you all very much!