The point of this blog is to share my experiences, particularly as they relate to mental health, so I would be remiss if I let the opportunity go by to tell you all what’s happening inside my head right now.
I started this blog in a moment of pure impulsive spontenaety, something which for me almost never happens. Yesterday that was ok-ish, I did have a meltdown, but my husband brought me food, and then I was ok. Today it is very not ok. It’s not quite fever-pitch, kill myself bad, but it’s definitely on the rise. I was thinking about how often I should post stuff, and if I should post stuff on certain days, and I woke up my OCD, who kicked his buddy social anxiety in his haste to come to the party.
The first thing OCD did was proclaim that everything I try to do with the blog is going to fail, because I started it on a Tuesday, and it wasn’t even the first of the month. I tell him that it’s the first Tuesday of the month, but to no avail. Social anxiety stumbles over wiping the sleepy bugs from her eyes and mutters, “What does it matter, nobody’s going to read this crap anyway.” I tell her that people are, in fact, reading, and liking, and commenting on Facebook, but she just harrumphs and turns to OCD, who has been talking this whole time in the back ground about how the blog is going to fail, my book is going to fail, I’ll loose friends, my relationship with my family is going to be ruined, my husband is going to leave me, I’m going to loose my house, and I’m going to die alone in a gutter somewhere. Finally he winds down a bit, and Social anxiety picks up the thread and tells me that not only will I be dead, but I’ll be naked and covered in filth and even the coroner will be like, “Just leave the body there, it’ll decompose eventually,” and everyone will go on with their lives and no one will miss you, they won’t even realize your gone, except that their lives will be a little bit better without you in it.
So yeah, that just happened, and actually now that I’ve written it all down, I feel a little better. Thank god bipolar isn’t getting in on this since she’s busy sleeping off the depression right now. If I was manic that would have been so much worse.
Edit: Now that I’m reading it through again I think bipolar must have been muttering in her sleep, because there’s some definitely depressive thing going on in there. Also I thought I’d add that the second I published this OCD and social anxiety threw up their hands in disgust, and told me that now it’s all going to happen for real.